Perspectives & Lullabies

It’s the fourth day of Lent and I think I am keeping up with my promises nicely. Along with giving up my sweet tooth, I have officially decided to also give up procrastination. Not only for my writing dreams, but for work and well…life. No more will be the lonely girl who crawls into her shell and blocks out the world. I will get my shit stuff done. I will break out of my shell. 

With my life being stuck in an utterly boring rut, I am inching out of my safety zone to experience new things. It’s much harder than I thought. But with this month (and topic of fear) coming to a close, I want to overcome some of my phobias. Rational AND irrational. Except my fear of bugs…that will forever be omniscient. Boredom has definitely taken its toll on me. I have been reduced. Shoved into a corner of self-preservation. But how can I be self-preserved if I don’t do anything? I can’t. Time to grow up. There isn’t a monster hiding in the darkness. I just need a light to keep me going…my writing.

I don’t know what is happening. I keep losing focus. Goals aren’t goals unless you stick to them. My brain is on shut down. I have major writers block. I can’t think of anything to blog about. I can’t finish poems. I am even at a standoff in my book. I might be having a mid-write crisis. Maybe I just need more experiences to jump off of. Or source material. Either way, I am done with putting things off. I am going to live my life to the fullest despite whatever may get in my way. To kick start, I have plans tonight! This almost never happens…or they fall through. So fingers crossed! I’m not gonna be a sad little girl anymore. Say hello to a strong, confident woman! …who will break free of this mid-write crisis. Hopefully. 

Until then…I say, “Hello!”

In light of not posting in two weeks and it being my birthday tomorrow, I’ve decided to write two posts. While reading my journals and previous posts, I noticed that I do a lot of rambling. I like to think it is because my mind is always bouncing from subject to subject before I can say… Anyway, I am planning on doing some writing workshops for improvements. Possibly, peer editing also. It will take hard work and dedication but its better to get input from other people, hear the criticism for what it is, and be a great writer than stay ignorant and never make it. That is precisely what I want to do, make it. Whether its just as a school teacher or as a New York Times Bestseller, I will be appreciative. I guess that’s what makes a writer. Appreciation. Self-appreciation. Either way, I would like to give anyone who may read this some words for themselves. If you are a writer, an artist, an athlete, a scientist…you are your biggest fan and your biggest hater. You should be the only person whose opinion matters. You can break down your work and say it sucks. But, you can also be the one to build it back up into something glorious. Don’t worry about if other people will like it or if it will “make it”, just keep going. If the world brings you everything you want, then you truly deserve it. And don’t let anyone ever take it away from you. Rejoice in yourself and never forget that there will always be someone out there who will put you down. To that I say, who gives a shit? Because that’s what makes true art. Again I go on with the rambling… So basically believe in yourself and SELF-APPRECIATE! 

I fall off my path more and more every day. I can’t seem to let myself welcome these changes. I can’t seem to trust myself. This fear of failure just hangs over my head like a gloomy rain cloud; just waiting to ruin the sunny sky in my mind. This morning I told myself to stop worrying about the thoughts of others’ and think about my words. Good writing takes time. But, if fear and failure weigh down your words, they won’t be as great as they could be. Doubt is the nemesis to writers. We all have it. Some let it torture them and soil their words. A few use it to their advantage in their writing. I want to take these dark shadows and make them into poetry. However, this takes just as much time. It seems like time is the biggest weight on my shoulders. It is still February though, and this month is for getting over these fears and shedding the shadows. So to brighten the subject, I have a long weekend in celebration of my birthday. As a gift to myself, I am not doubting anything anymore. I am going to write more and more often about anything I can set my mind to. It’s time for every shadow in my life to go away. I want the words and inspiration within me to shine for everyone to see. Today I started writing a book. Hopefully I can stick with it and it can see the light of day. Until then I WILL keep writing this blog. No matter what. Time to get back onto the path.

…the fear of failure. Seeing as I have already written about fears and failure, I’ve decided to make them my monthly topic. 

Fear. I have a lot of fears. Most are rational, but a few are very irrational. Sometimes I feel like Aunt Josephine from A Series of Unfortunate Events. Unlike Aunt Jo, I am not afraid of realtors or a kitchen fridge falling over and crushing me. I am afraid of living. Irrational. I am a human being, why would I be scared of living? Easy, I don’t want to mess up. I want everything to be perfect. So, I am afraid of going out into the world and doing things.

When I was four or five, I was learning how to ride a bike…with training wheels. But I was always too scared to actually start riding. I would sit and think about how if I fell off the curb I would hurt myself. Or if I couldn’t do it, I would disappoint my parents. In the end, all it took for me to start riding was my brother calling me a baby. I didn’t want to be a baby. I wanted to be a big kid. So, I put my fears aside and took a leap. Eventually, my brother taught me how to ride my bike without training wheels. He just taunted me and I was okay. 

Swimming was one of the only things that I didn’t need to be teased to do, it just came naturally. However, when I was nine, I was afraid to jump off the diving board and into the deep end. I would walk up with my siblings and cousins. They would all jump. While, I would be just standing there, the six foot diving board towering over my measly four feet. A bit of an exaggeration, but that’s what fear does to a person. My cousins started teasing me and saying I was a wimp and would never be able to do it, causing me to start my trek up the steps. As I stood standing on the edge ready to jump, I stop; peering into the 12’ deep water. No exaggeration there. All my fears rushing back to me. What if I slip and hit my head on the board? What if I hit the water wrong and explode? What if I get stuck at the bottom? What if I jump too far to the side and hit the pavement? I’m splashed with water, jerking me out of my daze. The taunts from my relatives don’t do anything for me. I start to back out. The boy behind me shouts, “If you’re too baby to jump, get off!” This was all I needed. A complete stranger to be a jerk and tell me I can’t do it. I jump. The sensation of the water hits me like a shot of adrenaline. It’s a rush. It’s a success. I want to do it again.

I guess today, I’m writing because I still need assistance. That one person that will  push me into the world and make me jump. Someone whom I can trust to nudge me, while not stabbing me in the back. I can’t say my fear of failure is gone. But, I think it’s safe to say I’m not afraid of living…

I have never been a fan of horoscopes. Yet lately I feel like I am dependent on them. Today’s seems promising.

“Who knows, you may become the world’s best-loved — no. Best hated? No, again. Let’s settle for best-read blogger. As 2012 progresses, Jupiter acts as an executive secretary, adding zip and zest to your communications. You’re already a top contender. Now, take a shot at the title.”

This gives me hope. Maybe people will think I am insightful. Maybe they will think I am funny. Maybe they will just like the way I write. But from this day forward I want to work with this in mind.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Not to mention I’ve always had a secret need to be known. To be liked. But then again who doesn’t. I might just be another girl. Struggling with my life. Another person who blogs for no reason, other than to get my feelings out. Another person who’s writing may never see the light of day. Another person who wants to make it.

I have been writing for as long as I can remember. Poems. Lyrics. Short stories. I have even started a few novellas. If any of this had the chance to fall into the hands of someone who could make my dreams come true, I would be…fulfilled. 

But until that chance arises, I am here. Writing to myself. Or whoever may come across this page.

If only…

(Source: http)

Turning over a new leaf, like anything, is hard. Harder than I would have thought. Some plans for change have been set in motion. Others…have been delayed. But as I sit here thinking about the future and what might become of it, I’m still feeling scared. And as I ponder what I will have to do to make these changes happen, I’m feeling overwhelmed. I guess up until now I have never made life altering decisions. I’m not typically open to change. I feed off the familiarity of life. Therefore, making me believe that change is exactly what I need. I need to open my eyes. See the world for what it can bring, not for what it has done to me. I need to open my heart. Trust that change will bring good things and the people I surround myself with will help me through the transition. Again, I say, I won’t know until I actually walk out and do something I wouldn’t have done in 2011 or any other time in my past. Time is the only thing that I can count on. It will heal the pain of the past. It will show me that I can reveal my true self and not fear rejection. It will open new doors, even if I don’t want to walk in…

The new year is in full swing. Four weeks and I’m already missing the safety of 2011. That net that I could fall back into. The familiarity. With all these new changes I’ve been trying to accommodate to, I seem to have forgotten my plans and goals for 2012. I told myself this will be a dazzling new year. I will get stuff done. I will be organized. I will blog my adventures, love, and fears. Yet, here I sit in bed dressed in my ever beautiful sweats. Comfortably apathetic. This was what I was supposed to leave in the past. So as a new week rolls in, I’ve decided to get out there and see the world with new eyes. I feel like a baby taking her first steps into a scary universe with giants towering over me, making me want to just crawl back inside. But I know if I don’t take that first step, I will never experience the joys and light that everything has to offer. The past is the past. Here’s to what the future has to offer. And off I go…